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Michael Allwright

Oct 08
6

Midlife Crisis? Or Just Bottoming Out on the U-Curve of Happiness

By | Mission, Mortality | No Comments

detour-1646152The myth that is the midlife crisis may be mortally wounded by current research. However there’s ample evidence of a midlife dip that’s more than just a pothole in the road of life.

In my last post I explored the origin myth of the midlife crisis. Research suggests that a midlife crisis may be far less likely to occur than originally thought. In fact, only about 10 percent of men actually experience a full-blown midlife crisis. The midlife crisis may be on the mat, but research has also confirmed a slump in well-being at midlife.

The (nearly) universal U-shaped curve of happiness

A growing body of research over the past decade has confirmed that our sense of well-being through life forms a U-shaped curve. As men in our 20s and early 30s we focus on external achievement and goals (that successful career, the perfect family, the castle on the hill). In our 30s and 40s we start to get tangled up in the stresses and trials of the real world and the challenges of achieving the goals we set early in life. Perhaps because of this, or other factors, our happiness quotient in the first half of life trends downward, bottoming out in our mid 40s. But then in our mid 50s we begin a slow ascent and happiness (or our sense of well-being) increases again … thankfully!

ucurve

This general finding is so striking because it has been consistently found across many countries and cultures (and even in other primates!). While definitely not found in all countries and generations, in a recent study of 46 countries, 44 had a clearly defined U-shape when well-being was compared across age.

The lowest point of the curve differed between countries, but was generally between 40 and 60 years. The low-point for folks in the U.S. was found at about 46 years of age. A 2010 study found similar results, with well-being of U.S. males bottoming out in their early 50s.

So midlife is, statistically speaking, the rock-bottom of our happiness in life? Now there’s something to celebrate … no wonder I’m so depressed …

Reframing the midlife story

This midlife dip may be what’s been generalized through the myth of the midlife crisis, and could explain how the crisis myth has such a strong hold in our culture. Most of us can expect to bottom out somewhere and in our own unique way in midlife, but few of us will have a full-blown crisis.

This reframe of the midlife experience provides some measure of comfort in that:

1. we’re not alone

2. midlife doesn’t have to be cataclysmic

3. there’s the hopefulness of an upswing somewhere in our 50s

Right, how lovely that we have a new la-ti-da story, but I want resolution! Just give me answers on how to avoid it or minimize it would you, or at least a pill to help ease the pain!

Unfortunately there’s no silver bullet here. There are also potential challenges in medicating our way through midlife. Unfortunately there’s still no clear explanation of why our sense of well-being bottoms out in midlife and then rises throughout the rest of late adulthood. But where there’s a will, there’s a way, and we don’t have to reinvent the wheel. We just have to look to the survivors.

Following in the footsteps of the survivors – the climb up from midlife

So at this point you may be asking yourself, what do folks in their 60s and 70s have that those in the trough of midlife might be lacking? (I thought we weren’t supposed to trust anyone over 30 …)

In my next post I’ll dig into a few current ideas and observations that shed light on what might account for the bounce back in midlife. The focus is on the qualities and actions associated with people in later life, such as:

  • Creating a life of meaning (building and sustaining a sense of fulfillment or purpose)
  • Knowing ourselves and becoming what we are (understanding our deeply held values and living them)
  • Greater emotional intelligence (creating connection and communication by employing loyalty strategies vs exit strategies)
  • Reduction in perceived severity of stressors (drama management)
  • Increased capacity to self-regulate emotions (less likely to resort to anger or respond to anger with anger)
  • Ability to see situations positively (less likely to see other’s responses as negative or remember them as negative)
  • The perspective of time (that heals everything, right?!)
  • Reduced regret response (not mulling over or focusing on what’s beyond our control)
  • Increased wisdom (or more specifically the traits that come with it like compassion, empathy, respect for and tolerance of divergent beliefs, acceptance of ambiguity, ability to make decisions based on the good of the whole, levelheadedness)

I hope this post has provided some new insight on your midlife experience. I’ll look forward to see you again soon at the corner of Midlife and Thriving!

Successfully managing midlife? Which of the above strategies do you use to successfully navigate midlife challenges?  I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Oct 03
0

Is the Midlife Crisis Having a Midlife Crisis?

By | Mission | No Comments

Midlife Crisis ahead

For over 40 years midlife has been hailed as a time, especially for men, when anxiety over life’s lost opportunities and our impending death hits a max. This anxiety can result in radical life change and tumult like divorce, expensive red convertibles, and career changes: the dreaded midlife crisis.

Most men growing up in America in the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s were led to believe that a midlife crisis was the inevitable and unavoidable initiatory right of passage into midlife. Many a movie and book has explored the extremes and subtleties of midlife transitions. But is crisis really a requirement? And if not, what’s really going on?

Origins of the Midlife Crisis

Elliot Jaques, a Canadian psychoanalyst, is credited for the “discovery” (okay, rather inception) of the midlife crisis in the mid 1960s. Jaques theoried that at about the age of 35, men begin to see that their youthful dreams will probably never be realized. Jaques’ theory was based largely on a historical review of world “geniuses” mixed with some experiences gleaned from his own clients.

Then, in the late 70’s, Jaques’ ideas were further developed by Daniel Levinson in his book The Season’s of a Man’s Life. Levinson built on Jaques’ midlife concept and concluded that 80% of men have a midlife crisis between the ages of 40 and 45.

Wow! Now those are some “good” odds! NOT!

Levinson would identify this period as the Mid-life Transition, a cross-era shift between early and middle adulthood. This period was typically marked by a “de-illusionment”, a grieving of the loss of possibilities, which acts as a catalyst for the midlife crisis.

What Levinson accomplished within the halls of academia, Gail Sheehy brought to the well of the cultural mainstream in her seminal book, Passages. Within her book Sheehy defines the predictable crises of adult life, including the “Age 40 Crucible.” This crucible is where dissatisfaction and unrest make for dramatic upheaval in midlife.

The primary challenge with these works, all of which ostensibly created the phenomena of the midlife crisis, is that they were done using research designs that are by today’s standards not considered good science. Levinson’s work was based on interviews of only 40 middle-class men in midlife, an extremely small sample size. And Sheehy reached her conclusions by supplementing Levinson’s work with interviews of folks that she selected. Neither used a rigorous research method to arrive at their conclusions.

In fact, when subsequent researchers have tried to replicate Levinson and Sheehy’s findings, no conclusive confirmation of the existence of a midlife crisis could be found. Adults are no more prone to leaving their jobs and spouses in their 40s as they are at any other age. Research conducted since the 70’s has found that a midlife crisis is only likely for about 10 percent of males in the U.S.

Oh my gosh, so why the hell have I created a website devoted to men in midlife?! I think I’m having a Men-in-Midlife crisis!

While your chances of having a midlife crisis are in actuality much lower than originally estimated by Levinson, the research is clear that there is something going on at midlife.

What’s really going on in midlife?

In her 2016 book, Life Reimagined, Barbara Bradley Hagerty does a great job of getting to the “bottom” of this midlife crisis dilemma, literally. She explores the research that has found that in our 40s and 50s we reach the bottom of the U-shaped curve of happiness. In conversation with researchers whose studies spanned over 72 countries and included more than 350,000 Americans, Hagerty shines the light on the existence of a midlife malaise common across the globe.

A future post will explore the U-curve in more detail and share ways to successfully make the midlife transition.  We’ll look at ways of creating a more meaningful life so that we can minimize our time at the bottom of the curve and begin the climb up.

What’s your experience of midlife and where are you on that U-shaped curve?   I’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

Sep 15
0

Three easy steps to creating greater happiness, no matter how crappy your mood

By | Uncategorized | No Comments

greater happiness hammockThere’s reality and the story we create about what’s going on in our life. You can create the future you want and have greater happiness in your life by taking back the storyline that’s going on in your mind.

… and so our story begins …

“My throat hurts …” the three words a parent is loath to hear, especially at 3am, much less when tightly crammed four abreast in a three-person tent. My family of four is camping after spending the day dipnetting for Copper River salmon. Our youngest son’s scratchy voice brakes through the night’s stillness and stirs us (but hopefully not our camping neighbors) into action.

Or in my case re-action.

I don’t wake easily and when I do, you probably will regret it unless, like my wife, you can handle a surly grump of a lout. It’s little wonder that my kids call for her at these times, choosing her sweet and soothing tones to my “what’s wrong now” oh-so-caring, wee-hours response. I’m not proud of this mind you, it’s just what happens when you awaken the beast … some nights are better than others, honest.

But this was not one of those nights.

Sleeping between my ailing son and his momma, it was clear that I was in the way. And since our other son had joined us in the tent after abandoning his hammock just past midnight (hence the sardine-like sleeping arrangements) I opted to desert the cramped and stuffy nest for fresh air and room to stretch. In the foggy brain of morn for some reason the hammock seemed my best alternative.

Have I mentioned that I find hammocks to be the most uncomfortable sleeping quarters imaginable? (… there goes my ENO sponsorship…)

After spending about 15 minutes wrestling my pad and my bag into the hammock, and then myself into my bag, I manage to settle into a perfectly foul mood. A mood that’s about as dark as the night around me (actually, it’s dark for the first time in months … stars haven’t been seen here since May). Lying there in discomfort an unreasonable rash of injustices begin to mount and a grumpy narrative in my head begins. It robs me of peace of mind, but worse, the sleep that I so desperately need and want.

And then something happened … for a brief moment, I observed it all from the outside.

Step 1 – Notice the storytelling

Observing the storyline isn’t always easy especially when you’re tired, or activated by a well-worn trigger, or just feeling lousy. But if you listen to the internal ramblings going on in your head, you will be able to pick out a story. And with practice it will become easier to identify some well-worn storylines. There’s familiar tone or cadence or content, something that will tip you off to the fact that there’s actually a story going on in your mind. It’s one of many versions of reality.

These well-worn storylines are like gold when you can identify them … and a subject for a future post.

In my specific case this night it’s the petty injustices of being smashed into a tent, the sufferings of being exiled to the tortures of a hammock, etc.

Step 2 – Identify the narrator

All stories require a narrator. In this case as I’m lying in the hammock I begin to hear where things are headed … it’s the endless story loop about the Great Injustices (roll the dramatic music) … as can be told only by … the Grumbler. The Grumbler is my narrator upon whom Life heaps the incomprehensible injustices, the slights and the slanders, the great inequalities and inconveniences.

I can’t tell you how many hours/nights/weeks of sleep I’ve lost to the great Grumbler’s tired narrative and playback loop. It’s sad really. However, tonight I’ve picked up his scent, identified his oratorical cadence, and refuse to let him sour my opportunity to salvage a decent night’s sleep. And as I’m lying there I’m suddenly like, “Check me out! It’s the Grumbler!”

Step 3 – Take control of the narrative and create your own story

After I’ve identified the Grumbler I take control of the narrative. I take control by observing what is really going on in the moment, by defining the basic circumstances in which I find myself.

  1. I’m in a stunning campsite next to a clear-running creek in Alaska, something that some folks literally pay thousands of dollars to experience.
  2. I’m sleeping outside (one of my favorite things to do!) and it’s not raining and there are NO MOSQUITOES!
  3. Yes, I’m uncomfortable, but after adjusting this way and that and this way again, I can actually get into a position that’s not insufferable (unlike the sandwichy situation I was experiencing in the tent).

Don’t worry, I’m not going all Pollyanna here, trying to fabricate some unrealistic positivity woo-woo trance state. Rather, these are all reframes of my current reality that allow me to create my future state (in this case one of much desired sleep that allowed me to be functional and engaged the next day).

This same approach works at the office with annoying coworkers, those challenging conversations with your spouse or family members, or moments of being triggered by that jerk who just cut you off in traffic.

So, three simple steps to take control of your own internal, unhelpful storylines and create the future state that you desire.

Go ahead and try it yourself and in the comments below let me know how it goes! What narrators do you struggle with and how do you recognize them?

BTW, I’m still not sold on the hammock, but if someone from ENO calls, I’m definitely picking up … both of my kids LOVE them.

 In the meantime I’ll look forward to seeing you next time at the corner of Midlife and Thriving!

 

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